Derek Johnson Muses

It is my daily goal to make everyone around me better people, thanks be to God.

Category Archives: Dating/Relationships

Why Jim and Pam’s Struggles Didn’t Bother Me

When I read the criticism of Jim and Pam’s relationship, I shake my head. The Office‘s perpetual sweethearts, who moved seamlessly from crush to couple to married couple over the shows nine seasons, spent the better part of the show’s farewell season fighting over Jim’s absence, in direct contraction to their relationship over the previous 180-some episodes, where they moved on from fights in a heartbeat.

This is, America what you expect have in your relationships. Don’t be surprised when you see this generation’s Harry and Sally come close to calling it quits. It speaks to how the concept of marriage being a stable and permanent institution in our culture is long over. But I digress.

Jim and Pam Halpert just go to show how much even secularists want to believe in marriage, even when they find the institution “unrealistic.” Yes, Jim and Pam’s behavior this year has not as consistent with what they have been, but Jim undermined Pam’s engagement with Roy, and Pam proclaimed her feelings for Jim while he was in a relationship. The show has never dealt with their emotional infidelity.

And to be fair, it wasn’t just Jim and Pam fighting. One of the best episodes this season was “Junior Salesman”, that took place after the Halperts had a huge fight on the phone. Instead of just throwing Jim and Pam back into bliss after that fight, the show did something more realistic: they showed Jim trying to do the right thing for Pam on that day. When two people are having fights as big as they were, you can’t just go back to happy bliss without some work. It goes one day at time.

I’m actually glad that The Office went the way it did with Jim and Pam, and I’m not a fan off TV relationship drama for the sake of drama. Unlike the storyline with Jim being tempted with Cathy last season (oh please), this storyline was believable. And honestly, what could the show have done that would have been better?

Almost happily ever after...

Happily ever after…

Divorcing Ourselves from Our Goals

A while ago, I have a conversation with an acquaintance about a couple we both knew. When I mentioned off-hand they recently celebrated their fifteenth anniversary together, my acquaintance interjected that it was “really admirable” that they stayed together that long. Really, society? Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad when couples stay together and that should be celebrated, but should we give everyone a cookie just for staying together fifteen years?

Looking at the signs of marriage in our culture, the fifty percent divorce rate (and as Jonathan V. Last notes in What to Expect When No One’s Expecting, there many  long-term relationships that don’t work out in addition to divorces), marriage and relationships are despaired over. Yes, society, marriage is hard, but so is any job that takes hard work. We have come to accept a high divorce rate as a social ill that we can’t do anything about. Given the role that marriage can play in reducing poverty in this country, a lower divorce rate is worth fitting for.

Society should have as its goal a 5-10% divorce rate. I know that sounds impossible now, but we need to set goals high; this is America, after all. A 5-10% divorce wouldn’t be reachable in five or ten years, but it could be over fifty or even a hundred years. If in ten years, America could have divorce rate that is 5-10% lower than it is now, that’s a starting point.

How would it start? It would start with couples whose marriages can be saved being saved, and couple who want to get married getting married. I know those things sound generic, but this process has to start with realistic goals, such as just saying that marriage doesn’t have to be a bad thing and that divorce is not a great thing. Divorce may be necessary sometimes (such as abusive situations), but do we want to live in a society where bonds are so easily broken?

All my life, I have been couples who married when they were young and stayed married, many of them now at St. John. Yes, there are some divorced individuals and single parents, and I learn a lot from them too. But my greatest source of strength comes from the people who stay together. I may not marry, but if I do, I know surrounding myself and my wife with people who stay married will be an important goal. Besides, who wants to go to the work of getting a divorce?

A Modern Civil Divorce

Divorce Court 15 Years Ago:

Judge to divorcing couple, “What’s your reason for divorcing?”

Couple, “Irreconcilable differences. All we do is yell at each other.”

Divorce Court Today.

Judge to divorcing couple, “What’s your reason for divorcing?”

Couple, “Irreconcilable differences.”

Judge, “What, you fight all the time?”

Couple, “No, we don’t fight. We just recently had a disagreement, and it’s going to lead to a bigger fight, so we’re just getting a preemptive divorce.”

Judge, “A preemptive divorce?”

Couple, “Yes.”

Judge, “You mean, you’re not really fighting..”

Couple, “No, but we will be. You see, your honor, Joe is taking a job that is eight hours away from where we live now.”

Judge, “So, Jane, why don’t you move with your husband?”

Jane, “I have a job I love here, and our children are just starting school. I don’t want to move them and leave my job.”

Judge, “So, Joe, your wife is happy here. Why don’t you want to stay here?”

Joe, “I do want to stay here.”

Judge, “You do? So why are you taking the job if you are willing to stay here with your wife?”

Jane, “Oh judge, I can’t ask Joe to stay here.”

Judge, “Ma’am, why are you speaking for your husband?”

Jane, “Please let me finish, your honor. He would resent me because he’d be staying in the same job he has now. It’s a mid-level management job, and he can do so much better. I don’t want to stand in the way of his happiness.”

Judge, “Joe, do you currently resent your wife for standing in the way of this job?”

Joe, (Pause) “No, but I will.”

Judge, “Jane, if you acknowledge that this job is what’s best for your husband, why is the right thing to get a divorce instead of moving? Can’t you find a job in the city he’s moving too?”

Jane, “It wouldn’t be the job I have now. I’ve worked so hard for my position, and I couldn’t possibly leave it.”

Judge, “And the two of you haven’t found much over this…”

Couple, “Oh, we’ve fought, but not as much as we are going to fight. We both know what’s best in the long-term is to split up now and spare each other the emotional damage.”

Judge, “It appears that you don’t have any serious emotional damage right now. And if you have no serious emotional damage, what business do you have in my courtroom?”

Dating. Well…

Disclaimer: Everyone who is single gets a day to cry and to complain about how he or she is will never find a spouse. My day for that is today.

It all started when I went about buying the house I’m going to close on a week from today. I was so busy with it at the time, I began to see why people waited until they married to buy houses. It’s a lot of work; I don’t know how a person goes about doing when they have multiple kids or a job that doesn’t provide the flexibility mine does.

And then after that, I started to realize I was taking another adult step and that I was doing it all by myself. I don’t have a woman along for the ride to take some of the pressure off and celebrate the accomplishment with me.

I have been more cognizant recently of the areas in my life where it would help to have a wife: someone else to cook and make meals, someone else to remember things and go to appointments with, someone else to fight over stuff with, someone else who has an area of expertise to share with me and that I can learn from. Someone to write for. Someone to pray and have devotions with.

That is quite literally the worst place for me, when I go to bed at night, curling myself into ball under my sheets and dream about holding a woman. More and more now, I keep thinking back to incidents in my past, thinking about the ones who got away or paths I could have taken Sometimes, I imagine that I have a five-year-old child who calls me “Dad” who follows me around and is enamored with my every move.

Don’t have a child as an act of self-realization, Derek. Do it because you have a good life with someone and you want to pass

My attitude toward dating right now is despair. Other than these ghosts, I feel like I’ve missed my chance in dating and that I’m just not good enough for a woman. I know this is the worst of my thoughts, that none of this reflect who I am as person, but it’s what I feel sometimes. What bugs me the most is that there is a woman out there right now who I could be blessing with my time and talents, and making her a better woman, and I’ve been selfish with my time in that way.

Honestly, what I probably should be writing is that I’m ready to be wrong and get married. That’s the bright side.

Okay, whining about my single life is over. Time to put this in a drawer until I get married and pull it out to remind myself that my single life wasn’t as great as I remember it.

Be That Guy…Not That Guy

Looking at things from a different angle

This past winter, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my celibacy in this blog. (The embarrassing proof) It was a hard, rough examination…who am I kidding, I was just the guy in the corner shouting, “God, why am I still single?” But after some reflection that only the changing seasons, I have come to realize that, even if I met the woman I love now, I couldn’t be with her in the way she needed it. I couldn’t be her head.

There are a couple of things pushing this for me. One, a fellow former homeschooler who told me that moving out of her parents house helped her in her search for love (she is now married). Two, Adriane Dorr’s blog post about how men need to step up and take the lead in relationships (although this had more to do with relationships in the church). Initially, I found Adriane’s post to be caddy, but it ended up growing in the back of my mind. In a world where even the LCMS finds itself with internal dissent against the order of creation and God’s blessing of male and female, the world needs Christian men to be assertive husbands and fathers, who read devotions to their wives and children. Even if I didn’t agree with Adriane entirely, she had a point.

I have realized there can be an innate dysfunction in a relationship when a man doesn’t take the lead. It was something that grew in my mind, challenging the ideas that I had. As a nervous guy, I felt that there wasn’t any harm in a girl asking a guy out if he was a little nervous,  or if she had a greater social standing and was attracted to him. But a couple can establish their relationship patterns early and never get out of them. Even if the standing changes later in life, a couple’s dysfunction can be traced back to those early days.

If I do get married (big if), I hope when a girl looks at me, she doesn’t see someone who she has to push in the right direction. I hope, when the right time comes, I step off the ledge and be the right guy of her. I can only hope between now and then, I make enough good choices so I can be that guy, even moving out of my parents’ house if that’s what I feel it takes. I just hope temporal needs don’t get in the way.

Oh, and Adriane, you win.

Liberation?

This morning, I reopened God Grant It, a devotional by C.F.W. Walther. I was so blessed…today was a reading that our modern audiences really need to hear.

“Most people seem to think that the sins of uncleanness (fornication)…are not of much consequence…In these last troubled days, even most Christians seem to think this view. Sexual sins are in vogue everywhere, and they have ceased to be considered disgraceful. Instead, they are regarded as a very excusable weakness, and unchaste jokes are even looked upon as a gallantry.” (p. 290) Finally, some honesty.

One of the things that peeves me about the sexual revolution is that so many of its modern proponents act like it just arose in the last fifty years, but its forerunners were way before that. The men of the Lewis and Clark willfully slept with the Indian women who came along (indeed, the Indians ran into this eagerly), and in the early days of the wild west, whorehouses abounded (Walther likely had to deal with much of this in his time). Michael Crichton writes in The Terminal Man about the church being completely absent in Los Angeles in the early seventies; surely it had disappeared years earlier. There has always been an unregulated sexual culture, although it has risen to more prominence since the advent of birth control.

It is not a fight between the old culture of modesty and the new culture of liberation. “Liberation” is really just an euphemism for forsaking responsibility. Okay, I likely am the worst example of taking responsibility for one’s life, but my point is the same. The Christian culture taught values like chastity and family, and there are days when I look at the Amish people who withdraw from the world and think, they have it right. The establish their own culture, with their own standards. Do they take too far in some cases? Yes, they probably do, but they do have some points we can learn from.

Pastor Todd Wilken of the Issues, Etc. radio program encourages people to marry in their early twenties. While I missed the boat on that one, I get Pastor Wilken’s point: if your twenty-something and in a world full of temptations, marriage can be a great benefit. Now, should a couple get married young, they need to have a healthy family structure to support them, but certainly, early marriage can work much better than going it alone. That is the benefit our culture has missed.

A Single Stand

I would blame the OWNers, but the more likely explanation for my blogging/catharsis on my celibacy was Chuck‘s brilliant use of the song “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart in the shows final episode. Thanks, Josh Schwartz, that song made me download a full new Chuck playlist, and for the last month, I’ve been writing to the weepy songs of the man with low self-esteem. But who am I kidding. I hadn’t felt that personally connected to any of my playlists since I was in San Francisco, over a year ago.

But the truth is, I’m glad I did write it, because it reminded me of why I like to write: when I put something down in the computer and disseminate over the internet, there is a certain type of inner clarity that comes to me, as if once the information is out of my mind, it can no longer hurt me. And when I get the feedback from many of you, when I see the views and realized how my work touched others, I am very grateful to all of you. Thank you.

Yesterday, after I published my post on Nebraska-Iowa State 2010, I went for a head-clearing drive north of Seward, heading to Columbus and photographing barns, the Platte, and any other number of interesting things along the way. It was just what I needed to see: empty, barren fields post-winter, which will lend itself to black-and-whites quite well. In the car, I pondered the novel I’d like to write some day, and remembered a quote from Luther that brought my thoughts on celibacy to a close.

The Loup River, just off Highway 81

The quote from Luther is from the daily devotional Through Faith Alone, a book my uncle gave me when I was in college. The reading was for April 6, the verse 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5: “Each of you should know that finding a husband or wife for yourself is to be done in a holy and honorable way, not in the passionate, lustful way of people who don’t know God.” (God’s Word Translation. That book used it-for the record, I still recommend the ESV)

“I have known many people who, because of their crude and shameful fantasies, indulged their passion with unrestrained lust. Because of their insatiable desires, they abandoned self control, and lapsed into terrible immorality. In the end, they had to endure dreadful punishment. Blinded to the realities of married life, some of them took unsuitable mates and ended up in incompatible relationships. They got what they deserved.

“You must pray diligently and strive to resist the desires of your corrupt nature. Ask God to give you a Rebekah or Isaac instead of a Delilah or Samson-or someone even worse. Finding a devoted, loyal wife or husband isn’t a matter of good luck. It’s not the result of good judgment, as unbelievers think. Rather, a devout spouse is a gift from God.”

This passage has stuck with me for eight or nine years. “A devout spouse is a gift from God.” I have prayed for a wife since I was a teenager, and yet I’m still single. Every day I’m without someone, I feel like a little part of me dies all over again. But I still know that God has a plan for me, and I know that he will bring it to fulfillment in his time. Thanks be to Him.

I’m not Perfect, so don’t Look at me as if I Am

(The thoughts in this post have been loosely inspired by the blog letitstet, whose perspective I don’t always share, but who always says something that gets me.)

There are single woman out there who dream of their perfect man. He is tall, dark-haired, and handsome, and is the perfect trophy for them. He looks stunning in his suit, and when he goes to events, his wife hangs on to his arm, smiling with pride. He’s her man.

If any woman gives me that “You’re my man!” smile and looks at me with shining admiration of a supposed grandeur, I will throw up in my mouth.

Don’t get me wrong; should I marry, I genuinely hope to be the object of my wife’s affection. And as I’ve written before, I don’t believe in equal marriage; the man is the gracious head, and that is the way that God gave marriage to humanity, as a gift. But I don’t want her to look at me like I’m perfect all the time, or that I’m just some shining figure. I want her to look at me like I’m human, with flaws and all, someone who needs her as much she needs me. Yes, I will be here head, but as I understand marriage, it’s a give and take. For me to be her head, I will need her support, just like a government needs the support of its populace.

I don’t know why I feel this way, but maybe I’m a product of the turn-of-the-century world. I see how the buttoned-up, perfect world of the 1950′s fell through (Mad Men), and while I still value traditional marriage, I don’t want to be seen as perfect, or even triumphant. I want to be seen as I am-a guy who does his best, in spite of his imperfections

As for the woman who wants that type of guy, I say go for it. Who am I to judge which person is right for which other person? But I would say, while you may love the trophy, don’t expect perfection. Behind close doors, be willing to listen, forgive, and see your man for who he really is. And if he isn’t as shining as you’d expect, don’t bash him for it, or diss him to your friends, but be grateful for what he is to you: a husband and a head.

For me, I hope my wife (assuming I have one) always looks at me with respect and support. I hope when she goes to sleep at night, she knows that, whatever decisions I’ve made that day, I have considered her needs first, and that no matter what, I’ll do what’s best for her as her head. If she goes to sleep knowing that, I know she wouldn’t need to look at me like I’m perfect.

Marry for Revenge?

I want to take revenge on all the girls who turned me down. Okay, that’s harsh. But seriously, should I ever get married, I plan on spending every day of our marriage winning her heart, sending her flowers on random days, doing the dishes, buying her chocolates, writing her sonnets, leading her in devotions, taking her on romantic getaways, and then writing a book about it and dedicate to every girl who ever turned me. To these girls, I’ll say, “Dear ladies, I should thank all of you, because everyone of you who shot me down made want to work all the harder to please a woman.”

But do I really want to win a woman’s heart just because certain girls who were callous anyway turned me down, or (more likely) I was just a jerk to certain girls?

This is a dilemma for me, because on the one hand, I want to win a woman’s heart because of who she is and because of who we are together. I wouldn’t want that woman to that the only reason I love is that I’m taking revenge on girls who really aren’t important enough for me to care about. But still, I want that edge. I can still remember girls telling me “I wanted to make sure we were just friends” or “I don’t see this happening” (you know who you are.) And whether or not those girls were right are wrong, going through that made me realize that I had to change my approach to dating and that I should have had different priorities at that time in my life.

I’ll make it no secret: getting married is my biggest life dream. I want that more than anything, but over the years, I kept putting that dream first and after a while, I only wanted what marriage meant. Freedom from my parents. A sign that I had made it in the world. Emotional security. And all those things were good, but they became the object themselves. I lost sign of the gifts that God gave me, and the people and opportunities he put in front of me. I regret that even now. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” (Matthew 6:33 ESV)

Yes, I’m a little bitter for wanting revenge on those girls. But to be the kind of husband that I want to be, the husband who always puts his wife first and never makes a decision without consideration of how it will affect her, I do think that I have to be a little bitter. Maybe that’s mean, but sue me.

But back to that book: the first two years of my marriage, I want to write either a blog or a book about winning my wife’s heart over and over, and first and foremost, it will be dedicated to her, because for me to want to win a girl like that, she must have to be really special.

Valentine’s Day: The Long Sigh Within, and My Favorite Movie

Today is Valentine’s Day, and that’s been a rough day for me because, presently, I don’t have a girlfriend. I did take my step out on the ledge a few weeks ago, but nothing came of that. (don’t worry, I still haven’t reneged on that commitment). Over a year ago, I heard someone on Issues, Etc. say that single people should to give thanks to God for that gift. At first listen, I thought there was no way I could do that, even though I had to, because you give thanks to God for everything. But then I wonder…was I in this single hood predicament because I wasn’t being grateful to God for all His gifts, because I felt entitled to marriage? Was God really being gracious to me, allowing me to endure single life, rather than be in a bad marriage?

I torture myself with what if…what if I went to seminary after college, what if certain relationships I had were different, what if I left home at this time or that time. I ponder alternate realities, lives I could have lived, but on some level, I’m just being ungrateful for what I do have. A radio host who I listen to once said that dream jobs were overrated, and that we were better off making the jobs we had our dream jobs. Earlier this year, I thought what I wanted to do with my life was leave Seward, but now I realize, that wouldn’t change anything. Noah and his family thought they’d reached a better place when they got off the ark, but they brought themselves and their sinful nature along.

Here, I have a lot to do and look forward to. I have this blog. I have my photos at Noyes, and at JD’s in Seward. I have my work for the company. Soon, I hopefully hope to have a Bible study going to (What I’ve done so far).

Still, there is a dilemma in my life. Recently, I was invited to attend an LLL banquet for missions, and I thought to myself, shouldn’t I at least have a good female friend in my life to invite to this banquet? The truth is I probably should, but that doesn’t mean I can’t go, met new people, connect with old friends, and have a good time. If I keep living my life and strengthening my goals, the relationship will take care of itself.

Bonus feature: the best romantic movie I’ve watched in the last couple of years is When Harry Met Sally, no question about it. Shows a lot of the fear and internal conflict we bring into our approach to relationships, and a great view of American cynicism toward relationships. Two people have chemistry, and they stand back from each other, worrying that the relationship is so perfect, they’ll screw it up. Great balance of internal and external conflict.

Step Off a Ledge, Ask a Girl Out

Last week, I got into the middle of a debate in the comments section on another blog (Says a lot about my life, right?) Long story short, I was arguing that it wasn’t a big deal for girl to ask a guy out, and people were telling me, listen, you can’t let things like the high expectations of women or your own low self-esteem slow you down when it comes to women. Be the initiator, and you at least won’t have to worry about those things. That got me to thinking. (My comments)

When I was in high school and college, twice I pursued girls so hard independent parties had to tell to stop. Here’s one I have recounted: (Link) Unfortunately, after the second time (which involved a breakdown in a social network), I really got down on myself, and eventually, I gave up on dating .

Since college, I have had opportunities to go out with girls, and I either sabotaged a potential relationship or didn’t do enough to push one along. One time when I was hanging out with a girl, and I was so scared that she actually might like me that I monopolized our conversation on purpose, so she would think I was all about myself. Judging by the way the friendship went, I was successful. There was another girl, who I did like, who when she said she didn’t want another date with me, I let it go. I could have just e-mailed her back one more time and said, I still want to see you. I didn’t do that, and I still wonder about her.

Over the past year to six months, I have really become convicted of this behavior. I kept feeling sorry for myself that I am alone, blame it on the high expectations of women and the situation I’m in, do everything but take responsibility. It is a lot easier to be single and lonely than to take chances. But as I have started reaching out and making friends, I have begun to realize that I am responsible for letting go of the things that have been holding me back.

But after I read those comments, I have resolved to change my behavior toward women and not freak out when I actually like a girl. I know there are times when I will fall flat on my face, but given that I literally ache from my own loneliness, I am to step off that ledge. Whatever the results, I will at least be able to go to bed knowing I tried

Celibacy and Marriage: Getting Pulled between Dreams and Reality

The hardest part about being single for me is wondering if there is a woman out there whose life I could be making better but am not because I haven’t tried hard enough to find her.

Don’t get me wrong. On some level, I have come to grips with my celibacy. I know there’s probably a good chance that will not marry. It has been quite some time since I met a woman who I thought I could have a real future with-years, in fact. (That’s embarrasing.) If I have to live a single man  for the rest of my life, I’ll just have to get over myself.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I would have married in college. Or even three years ago. It’s a struggle, really: a struggle to live in the present, be content with the vocation God has given me now: to be single. But, in my heart of hearts, I don’t know if this is what I would want. In a way, I feel like I’m Harry Potter under the sorting hat, but instead of trying to decide what house to put me in, the sorting  hat is trying to decide whether I should be single or married. I like Harry, am thinking, “Married, married, married!” This will likely lead me into a marriage of suffering and hardship, where I had no idea what I was getting into.

But who am I kidding? I am a sucker for romance. My dream of marriage, is coming home with flowers for my wife, just because. Pulling her hair back to wisper in her ear that I love her. Reading devotions together in the morning, praying for each other before we go to bed. Even doing dishes together, or cooking for her when she comes back from a long day at work.

The thing I want the most from marriage is someone to talk to about my day. Is that so simple, that I want to share my crazy thoughts with someone, that they would have some knd of mad meaning?

But all this is folly. Married people keep telling me that marriage is hard in ways that you don’t expect, which I have no reason to doubt. Hearing this actually fuels my curiousity for marriage, as if part of me needs to experience the hardships to believe them, even though I can see them in the married couples I know. But I would hope that, no matter how hard my marriage would get, I would always remember the reason why I married the person that I did, and that I would always seek to put her first and do what’s best for her, since in the end, that is the nature of love.

The Seminarian's Wife

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" Psalm 27:14

Musings of a Country Preacher

Just another WordPress.com site

Oratio + Meditatio + Tentatio

A theologian's pressure cooker.

Brent Kuhlman's Blog

A great WordPress.com site

Peruse and Muse

The musings of a student teacher

Gamekeeping

Ensuring young baby boomers thrive in today's workforce

St. Matthew Lutheran Church

Bonne Terre, Missouri

Priestly Rant

Just another WordPress.com site

Tips On Travelling

Learn how to travel Further. Longer. Cheaper.

nickgregath

Sports in Perspective.

Humanity777's Blog

The Church of Christ

De Profundis Clamavi ad Te, Domine

"we continually step out of God's sight, so that he may not see us in the depths, into which he alone looks." M.L.

FRANK THE TANK'S SLANT

A Completely Logical Chicago and Illini Sports Blog and Random Thoughts on Politics, Pop Culture, and the World

Champion Sports Views

Unbiased & Slanted

The Hunger Games

Books & Movies

grazmaniandevil

where thoughts speak.

My Two Cents

Chris Anderson's Takes on Life & Ministry

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 98 other followers

%d bloggers like this: