I would blame the OWNers, but the more likely explanation for my blogging/catharsis on my celibacy was Chuck‘s brilliant use of the song “Rivers and Roads” by The Head and The Heart in the shows final episode. Thanks, Josh Schwartz, that song made me download a full new Chuck playlist, and for the last month, I’ve been writing to the weepy songs of the man with low self-esteem. But who am I kidding. I hadn’t felt that personally connected to any of my playlists since I was in San Francisco, over a year ago.
But the truth is, I’m glad I did write it, because it reminded me of why I like to write: when I put something down in the computer and disseminate over the internet, there is a certain type of inner clarity that comes to me, as if once the information is out of my mind, it can no longer hurt me. And when I get the feedback from many of you, when I see the views and realized how my work touched others, I am very grateful to all of you. Thank you.
Yesterday, after I published my post on Nebraska-Iowa State 2010, I went for a head-clearing drive north of Seward, heading to Columbus and photographing barns, the Platte, and any other number of interesting things along the way. It was just what I needed to see: empty, barren fields post-winter, which will lend itself to black-and-whites quite well. In the car, I pondered the novel I’d like to write some day, and remembered a quote from Luther that brought my thoughts on celibacy to a close.
The quote from Luther is from the daily devotional Through Faith Alone, a book my uncle gave me when I was in college. The reading was for April 6, the verse 1 Thessalonians 4:4-5: “Each of you should know that finding a husband or wife for yourself is to be done in a holy and honorable way, not in the passionate, lustful way of people who don’t know God.” (God’s Word Translation. That book used it-for the record, I still recommend the ESV)
“I have known many people who, because of their crude and shameful fantasies, indulged their passion with unrestrained lust. Because of their insatiable desires, they abandoned self control, and lapsed into terrible immorality. In the end, they had to endure dreadful punishment. Blinded to the realities of married life, some of them took unsuitable mates and ended up in incompatible relationships. They got what they deserved.
“You must pray diligently and strive to resist the desires of your corrupt nature. Ask God to give you a Rebekah or Isaac instead of a Delilah or Samson-or someone even worse. Finding a devoted, loyal wife or husband isn’t a matter of good luck. It’s not the result of good judgment, as unbelievers think. Rather, a devout spouse is a gift from God.”
This passage has stuck with me for eight or nine years. “A devout spouse is a gift from God.” I have prayed for a wife since I was a teenager, and yet I’m still single. Every day I’m without someone, I feel like a little part of me dies all over again. But I still know that God has a plan for me, and I know that he will bring it to fulfillment in his time. Thanks be to Him.